<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<rss xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" version="2.0" xml:base="http://www.theonion.com/content"><channel><title>The Onion</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content</link><description>Content updated daily from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source</description><language>en-us</language><copyright>2009</copyright><item><title>[audio] Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/bush_al_zeidi_tour_world?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:48:19 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/bush_al_zeidi_tour_world?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/radio_test.thumbnail.jpg" length="1901" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/sexualized_octogenarian?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[News In Photos]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:09:22 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/sexualized_octogenarian?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Photos</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sexualized-Octogenarian-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2196" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>Sports: Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/shaq_cavaliers_start_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[CLEVELAND&mdash;After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland.]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:39:17 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/shaq_cavaliers_start_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Shaq.thumbnail_2.jpg" length="2149" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/college_freshman_makes_triumphant?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[COCONUT CREEK, FL&mdash;"I'm back, Bayshore High," 18-year-old Henry Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!"]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:05:41 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/college_freshman_makes_triumphant?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/College-Freshman-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2071" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[audio] Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/scientists_dissect_coworker_0?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:02:36 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/scientists_dissect_coworker_0?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/radio_test.thumbnail.jpg" length="1901" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27667?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[PESHTIGO, WI--After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:39:00 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27667?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_year_old_yankees_fan?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[NEW YORK&mdash;Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:38:24 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/95_year_old_yankees_fan?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Yankees-Fan.thumbnail.jpg" length="2182" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Just Area Man's Luck</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/just_area_mans_luck?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[KENOSHA, WI&mdash;Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:00:15 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/just_area_mans_luck?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Brief</dc:subject></item><item><title> Ohio Legalized Casinos</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/99060?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do <i>you</i> think?]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:30:45 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/99060?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>American Voices</dc:subject></item><item><title> Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/entire_office_unsure_what_to_do?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[FINDLAY,OH&mdash;The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today.]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:00:09 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/entire_office_unsure_what_to_do?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Entire-Office-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2094" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[audio] Dept. Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/dept_of_defense_locked_out?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:00:57 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/dept_of_defense_locked_out?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/brett_favre_avenges_storied?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[GREEN BAY, WI&mdash;Brett Favre beat the Green Bay Packers on Sunday for the second time this season, his decisive 38-26 victory exacting some...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:00:22 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/brett_favre_avenges_storied?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Favre.thumbnail_1.jpg" length="1255" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/idiom_shortage_leaves_nation_all?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[WASHINGTON&mdash;Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:36:02 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/idiom_shortage_leaves_nation_all?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Idiom-Shortage-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2655" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/99005?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[<b>Dear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, </b>For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:10 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/node/99005?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Advice</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/OE-Online-Reviews-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="991" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[video] Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cash?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cash?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/SHITTY_FORD_ARTICLE_10_29.thumbnail.jpg" length="1478" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> 1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/1999_collaboration_between?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[LOS ANGELES&mdash;Sources reported Monday that "Smooth," the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:00:39 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/1999_collaboration_between?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Brief</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: 40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/40_000_revenge_seeking_bats?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[News In Photos]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:51:37 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/40_000_revenge_seeking_bats?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Photo Finish</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Manu-Ginobli.thumbnail.jpg" length="3340" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> ATT Claims Verizon Lied About Coverage</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/at_t_claims_verizon_lied_about?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Telecommunications giant AT&T is suing Verizon Wireless for ads Verizon ran suggesting AT&T had gaps in its network. What do <i>you</i> think?]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:30:49 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/at_t_claims_verizon_lied_about?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>American Voices</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_york_marathon_winner_tests?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[NEW YORK&mdash;Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:00:51 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_york_marathon_winner_tests?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/TS-Marathon-Winner-article_large.thumbnail.jpg" length="2277" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[audio] Heaven To Return 3.6 Billion Souls For Rejudging</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/heaven_to_return_3_6_billio_0?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:00:00 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/heaven_to_return_3_6_billio_0?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject></item><item><title> Inside The Mind Of A Perfectly Sane Person</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/magazine/inside_the_mind_of_a_perfectly?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 12:48:55 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/magazine/inside_the_mind_of_a_perfectly?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sunday Magazine</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sane.jpg" length="86070" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/eight_pound_man_removed_from?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[ALBUQUERQUE, NM-In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veterans Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:42:08 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/eight_pound_man_removed_from?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_news829.thumbnail.jpg" length="5002" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> What's On Our Accident Reports?</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/statshot/whats_on_our_accident_reports?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:30:29 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/statshot/whats_on_our_accident_reports?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Statshot</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Accident.jpg" length="44070" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Defense Bill Features Less Waste</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/defense_bill_features_less?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[<b>The defense spending bill that President Obama signed last week eliminated several programs deemed wasteful, including a presidential...</b>]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:30:58 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/defense_bill_features_less?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Infographic</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/army_info.thumbnail.jpg" length="1259" type="image/jpeg"/></item></channel></rss>