http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-06-2008 Goodwill and cheer will cause your heart to swell to three times its normal size this week, only to explode minutes later, spreading festive joy all over your respiratory system. Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79042 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-29-2008 Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78484 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008 It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78063 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-15-2008 There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77660 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-08-2008 You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77233 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-01-2008 They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76818 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-25-2008 Remember: A man is often known by the company he keeps. Take immediate action to shut down Wanton Bigotry, Inc. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76451 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-18-2008 Childbirth is both an incredible and beautiful experience. Keep telling yourself that for the next 17 hours or so. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76068 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-11-2008 Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75693 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-04-2008 Your indecisive nature is both a blessing and a curse, or at least that's the only conclusion you've so far been able to reach. Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75276