The Onion - Horoscope Feed

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400

While there's something to be said for devoting your life to your job, you're beginning to suspect it mostly involves swearing.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400

Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400

Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400

It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400

While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400

While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400

Embarrassment will be yours this week when you're caught peeking over someone's shoulder during an important test. The fact that it's a urine test also won't help.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400

No amount of crying will bring your mother back, which is embarrassing, as she's still alive and you're now a sophomore in college.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400

All of your money problems will be solved this week when you realize that those large piles of "cash" can be exchanged for goods and services.

Horoscope: Cancer

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500

While the bible in your breast pocket will stop the first bullet, the Penthouse in front of your face will let the next dozen or so straight through.