http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-06-2008 A team of surgeons will be forced to amputate your leg this Thursday in order to keep themselves from getting bored. Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79042 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-29-2008 The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78484 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008 Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78063 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-15-2008 Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77660 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-08-2008 Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77233 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-01-2008 Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76818 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-25-2008 They say no news is good news, but you're beginning to suspect there's a reason why those doctors keep avoiding your calls. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76451 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-18-2008 While you're relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76068 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-11-2008 You'll soon leave your own personal mark on the world, at least until emergency crews have time to arrive and hose it off. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75693 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-04-2008 You’ve never been a very detail-oriented person. Still, you’re pretty sure those antlers weren’t there last week. Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75276