http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-13-2008 A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back. Tue, 13 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79420 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-06-2008 You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother. Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79042 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-29-2008 Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78484 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008 The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema." Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78063 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-15-2008 The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77660 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-08-2008 The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77233 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-01-2008 You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76818 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-25-2008 You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76451 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-18-2008 There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays." Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76068 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-11-2008 You claim to be more of a leader than a follower, but that's only because you've heard other people say the same thing before. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75693