The Onion - Horoscope Feed

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400

You'll soon have no other choice but to pick up the pieces of your wife and move on.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400

Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400

It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400

The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400

Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400

Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400

Your grisly death beneath a pile of cinnamon rolls this week will prove true one of Nostradamus' least likely prophecies.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400

You will feel truly and wonderfully alive this Wednesday, which is ironic considering what will happen to you this Thursday.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400

The Grim Reaper himself will visit you this evening, but much to your dismay, all he really wants is to borrow another 20 dollars.

Horoscope: Pisces

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500

Yes, you'll get the girl in the end, but by that time, she'll be twice divorced, have lost much of her figure, and be buried at a nearby cemetery.