http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-06-2008 City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day. Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79042 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-29-2008 They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78484 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008 You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78063 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-15-2008 You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77660 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-08-2008 You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77233 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-01-2008 A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76818 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-25-2008 Your health will continue to decline this week due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76451 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-18-2008 Steve Jobs will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76068 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-11-2008 The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75693 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-04-2008 They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago. Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75276