http://www.theonion.com/content/index Your weekly horoscope from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source en-us http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/may-06-2008 They may think they have you beat, but soon the tables will turn, sending their Scrabble board and all of its wooden tiles onto the floor. Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/79042 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-29-2008 The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks. Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:00:59 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78484 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-22-2008 The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life. Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/78063 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-15-2008 You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant. Tue, 15 Apr 2008 01:00:53 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77660 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-08-2008 You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:00:56 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/77233 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/apr-01-2008 People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels. Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:01:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76818 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-25-2008 Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men. Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76451 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-18-2008 Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that's just the way you eat wings. Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/76068 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-11-2008 The stars indicate that this is a good week to spend surrounded by loved ones, especially your father, and especially before Thursday. Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:51 -0400 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75693 http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/mar-04-2008 Ants are known for being hard-working and diligent, but you'll still be surprised when 5,000 of them drag you out of bed on a Sunday. Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:00:18 -0500 Horoscopes http://www.theonion.com/content/node/75276