The Onion: War For The White House

Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400

CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois...

[audio] Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:15 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:34 -0400

NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being...

Obama's Minister's Outrageous Comments

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:03 -0400

Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr., the former pastor of presidential candidate Barack Obama, has been blasted for controversial statements he made to his congregation. What are some of the remarks he's under fire for?

[video] McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:00:00 -0400

John McCain claims that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by eliminating the Secret Service and defending himself instead.

Nation Agrees Not To Talk About Politics

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:00:20 -0400

WASHINGTON—"With the economy and all these other problems on our minds, there's no point getting riled up about politics," Pittsburgh resident Eric Daniels said.

Pennsylvania Primary

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:52:05 -0400

Pennsylvania's late-April primary has traditionally been symbolic of the goddamn primary season almost being over.

Group Blasts Pork-Barrel Spending

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:00:10 -0400

The watchdog group Citizens Against Government Waste has released its latest edition of the "Pig Book," a list of government earmark spending...

[audio] Hillary Receives 3 a.m. Phone Call From Drunken Bill Clinton

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 01:00:03 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Clinton's Schedule Released

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 01:00:58 -0400

In order to assist her presidential bid, the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has made public 11,000 pages of Hillary Clinton's calendar...

[audio] Mysteriocrats Nominate Shadowy Figure For President

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:00:34 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

McCain's Running Mate

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 01:00:24 -0400

All but assured the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain has begun discussing possible running mates. Who is on his short...

[audio] McCain Captures Wild Delegates Roaming Western Plains

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:00:03 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Nation's Presidential Assassins Still Undecided

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 01:00:31 -0500

NEW YORK—22 percent said that McCain’s immobility makes him an excellent choice, while 41 percent would be happy to blow any one of the candidates' heads off.

Election Process: March 4 Primary

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 11:50:08 -0500

Since the 1960s, Texas has been responsible for executing more presidents than any other state.

[audio] Presidential Candidate Thinks That's A Good Idea But We Should Go Farther

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 01:00:18 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 01:00:43 -0500

WASHINGTON—"It's just that its been so crazy at work lately," Bush said in the brief 14-minute address, acknowledging that he and the country had drifted apart."

Man Who Should Be President Has Asymmetrical Eyebrows

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 01:00:41 -0500

DAYTON, OH—With a wide-ranging knowledge of both domestic and foreign issues, unflappable composure, and an uncanny ability to reach across the...

[video] Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:36:58 -0500

Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.

debate

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 11:40:08 -0500

A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

Bush Hopes Recession Doesn't Affect Sales Of His Memoirs

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 01:00:35 -0500

WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that he remains optimistic that the impending recession will end before his memoirs...

hope

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:00:00 -0500

An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

Conservative Pundits Against McCain

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:00:43 -0500

Conservative pundits Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter have spoken out against Republican presidential candidate John McCain, with...

What Are Our Presidential Candidates Praying For?

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:00:41 -0500

delegate

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:44:39 -0500

A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name.

caucus

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0500

The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence.

ballot

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0500

An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

Election Process: Super Tuesday

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:56:50 -0500

New Hampshire came under fire in 2004 for trying to sneak in a second primary amidst the Super Tuesday hoopla.

Election Process: South Carolina

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:16:17 -0500

Throughout its history, South Carolina has been a critical state during elections, with at least one candidate involved in its...