'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper
"That's obvious. Vaccines don't cause autism. Not telling your kids to smarten up and get their heads out of their asses does."
Alzheimer's Disease Causing Baby Boomers To Misremember 1960s Even More
PALO ALTO, CA—Alzheimer's researchers at Stanford University published a study this week showing that the degenerative brain disease is beginning to affect the baby boomer generation, causing many to remember the 1960s even less accurately than they normally would. more»
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Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game
MINNEAPOLIS—A dream nearly came true for leukemia patient Cody Patterson last week when the Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation provided the 10-year-old with free tickets to a Timberwolves...
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Prima Donna Surgeon Storms Out Of Half-Full Operating Theater
BALTIMORE—Midway through Friday night's quadruple-bypass procedure at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, the celebrated but moody cardiac surgeon Dr. Stuart Reinhorn threw down his laser scalpel in...
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Nation To Be Sterilized From 1 P.M. To 4 P.M. This Friday
NEW YORK—The mandatory sterilization of all sexually mature U.S. citizens is set to take place this Friday from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m Eastern Standard Time. Everyone is reminded to have their...
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Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures
NEW YORK—Inside the Montessori School of Dentistry, you won't find any old-fashioned cotton swabs, or so-called periodontal charts, or even any amalgam fillings. That's because at this...
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Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla
ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern...
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Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed
WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill...
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Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist
MINNEAPOLIS—Despite visits from Olympic snowboarder Shaun White and film actor Ryan Reynolds, 13-year-old Corey Duthers announced Tuesday that before he dies he wants more than anything to...
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Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning
NAPERVILLE, IL—-In an event that everyone at James Madison Junior High is calling really freaking gross, some kid's head got cracked open Wednesday during third-period gym class....
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