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    • From the Print Edition

      Choked Bat

      Placido Polanco Chokes Up All The Way

      07.24.2008

    • Corrections

      In a previous issue, The Onion spelled the word "possession" with two sets of double s's, which is apparently correct but just doesn't seem right. So let's go with "possesion."

      07.23.2008

    • Astrology

      0

      Your Horoscope
      July 22, 2008

      07.22.2008

    • Stockwatch

      Pfizer

      Shares jumped following the announcement that researchers had developed a drug that does nothing other than cause addiction.

      07.22.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Bob Barker

      Unemployed Bob Barker Spends Morning Watching 'Price Is Right'

      07.22.2008

    • Editorial Cartoon

      Busch

      Editorial Cartoon
      July 21, 2008

      07.21.2008

    • Perry Philadelphia La Jolla

      National News Highlights

      United States Map

      Roll over locations for news

      • PERRY, FL—Residents solemnly marked the third anniversary of the tragic "Drive To Take Back The Bike Lane."
      • PHILADELPHIA—Since the beginning of last night's sexual encounter, Bruce Pierson has heard "Fuck me like a cop, not a lawyer" so many times that it's begun to lose its meaning.
      • LA JOLLA, CA7—After spending the morning counting his money, Fred Cadwell, 82, is going to eat lunch and then count it again.

      07.21.2008

    • Unsung Heroes

      Hayden

      Four- year-old Hayden Kirschner threw an unprompted tantrum in the middle of Sephora, saving his mother $35 on an eyeliner she didn't need.

      07.20.2008

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      It's about time your paper had a jingle. How about this? "Read The Onion every day!" Let me know if you want to hear the music.

      —H. Lopez, Newfolden, MN

      07.19.2008

    • Unsung Heroes

      Becky

      Becky Esch volunteered to plan the burlap olympics portion of her 20-year reunion even though she wasn't an athlete in high school.

      07.19.2008

    • TV Listings

      Disney World Secrets

      Travel

      6 p.m. EDT/5 p.m. CDT

      Experts help plan your next vacation to Disney World with helpful tips like where to get cheap eats and how to find all the hidden swastikas.

      07.18.2008

    • Sunday Magazine

      Unsuccessful 20 Years Old You Don't Need To Be Jealous Of

      More Magazines

      07.18.2008

    • TV Listings

      Smiling Strangers

      ABC

      9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT

      The threats and beatings they receive on the streets of major American cities.

      07.17.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Angry Jim Leyland's Mustache Keeps Falling Off While Yelling At Team

      Angry Jim Leyland's Mustache Keeps Falling Off While Yelling At Team

      07.17.2008

    • Letters to the Editor

      Dear The Onion,

      I like to tell my wife that she's a four-star chef, but I'm not sure if that's accurate. Would you mind sending your restaurant critic over to our apartment this Tuesday?

      —Jason Icerman, Gainesville, FL

      07.16.2008

    • Stockwatch

      NEWH

      Stock prices began rebounding from record lows after 150 years, as whale oil once again became an affordable energy source.

      07.15.2008

    • From the Print Edition

      Infants Piling Up At Orphanage’s Old Address

      Infants Piling Up At Orphanage’s Old Address

      07.15.2008

    • Corrections

      In The Onion's June 20 feature "America's 10,000 Best Veterinary Schools," the Denver Center for Reptile Fixing was listed 10 spots too low. It should have been ranked No. 4,622. The Onion regrets the error.

      07.09.2008

    Issue Highlights

    • Water Park Unveils New 'Ambitious River'

    • Report: Every Goddamn Light In The House On

    • Single Mother Asked Where Daddies Come From

    • McCain Loses Campaign Trail In North Dakota

    Personal of the Day