Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The ravages of age continue to wreak havoc on your body. Either that or all the Indian food.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
