Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The ravages of age continue to wreak havoc on your body. Either that or all the Indian food.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
