Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
The ravages of age continue to wreak havoc on your body. Either that or all the Indian food.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will awake to find a newborn infant on your doorstep, which isn't surprising, as that's where you left him the night before.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars indicate this is a good week to get your life in order, making you glad you don't believe in all that astrology crap.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your first time will feel like fireworks. Unfortunately for you, they're the kind that accidentally set off in your hands and leave you disfigured for decades to come.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While no man controls his own destiny, a little self-restraint might keep you from ending up inside that bakery three nights a week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You may be invisible to those around you, but remember: It's not the type of invisible that lets you have sex with unsuspecting and bewildered women.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A wise man once said that the only thing that fails to change is the fact that nothing ever stays the same. However, this was before he realized how stupid it sounded.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this to always be the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
They say you have a face for radio, but what they don't mention is that your massive harelip would probably keep you off most professional stations.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Women often claim that a sense of humor is the most important trait in a prospective partner. Sadly, yours is not good enough to realize that they're only joking.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.