Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The Forest God will bestow upon you the gift of talking to all the beasts of the field and birds of the air, but until you decide to shape up you'll still be a lousy listener.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Scientists will be amazed when new quantum-radar technology reveals that most of the dense, fast-moving, fist-sized objects in the universe are headed straight for your testicles.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll soon learn that "shit a brick" is not merely a colorful rural figure of speech, first through the efforts of your neighborhood pigeons and then from painful personal experience.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A relatively dark time lies ahead for Gemini, one which does not seem to be infused with all-corrupting evil but does contain a lot of moist little noises, whimpering, and half-heard big band music played on badly tuned AM radios.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The police will once again explain to you at length that while yes, being your district's night-shift colon scraper is a dirty job, no one in fact has to do it.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As it turns out, having your car struck by a bolt of lightning won't turn it into a sentient evil robot, but it will flesh-weld you to the parking officer you were fellating to avoid being ticketed.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your cynical belief that people are easily led sheep who care only about big meals and furtive sex will cost you your fortune and your life, unless you realize how much they also love senseless violence.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll squander whatever small goodwill you've won in the world when you attempt to cash in on your self-proclaimed status as The Helen Keller of People with No Sense of Smell.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The week will start off shaky for you when your town is hit by a 9.6 magnitude quake and get even worse on Thursday when you're gang-raped by bikers in an incident that doesn't lend itself well to a trite play on words.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your spirit will finally be broken for all time when the latest L.L. Bean catalog does not contain a photo of puppies asleep in their signature Dog Bed.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You talk a good game, but when the pressure's on, you'll fold like a cheap tent, breaking all the bones in your body that lack the articulation of a cheap tent's poles.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A routine appointment with a plastic surgeon turns epic when a scheduling error introduces you to the magnetic bedside manner of The Iron Surgeon and his Neodymium Nurses.
