Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you're a woman now.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a breadbox, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone's guess.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it's the one where everything comes together in the end.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn't Really Know What He's Doing Killer.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear's ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you'll let go of that honey.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
