Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
They say it's easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, but then that's just some stupid bullshit that can go straight to hell.
Aries March 21 - April 19
It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.