Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
They say it's easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, but then that's just some stupid bullshit that can go straight to hell.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
