Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
They say it's easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, but then that's just some stupid bullshit that can go straight to hell.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but then that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will soon take a number of mysterious secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.
