Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

All your life you've been able to see what's in people's hearts and help them heal their innermost scars, but your busy social calendar and interesting life have prevented you from noticing anything that lame.











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