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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

April 11, 2007 | Issue 43•15

Your Birthday Today

All your life you've been able to see what's in people's hearts and help them heal their innermost scars, but your busy social calendar and interesting life have prevented you from noticing anything that lame.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Saying you're unhealthy is one thing, saying you're trouble is another, but when the cops invite the parents up to see how you smell so they can tell if their kids are using you, it's almost too much.

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