Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
All your life you've been able to see what's in people's hearts and help them heal their innermost scars, but your busy social calendar and interesting life have prevented you from noticing anything that lame.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.
