Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
All your life you've been able to see what's in people's hearts and help them heal their innermost scars, but your busy social calendar and interesting life have prevented you from noticing anything that lame.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll have your legs broken, your teeth shattered, and your skull caved in by Jesus as he strikes out with his Cruci-Chuks while bellowing that "you should'a used bigger nails" during his unexpectedly macho return.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be hailed as America's Biggest Hero when you save a child from drowning despite weighing almost 450 pounds.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a magical gramophone that allows you to communicate with the residents of the Land of the Dead, although they claim anything important should be discussed in person and they can wait a week.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll write one of the best-selling children's books of all time when you cynically put every sugar-coated lie anyone ever told you into the mouth of an anthropomorphic hippo.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If there's a drinkable liquid in the world that doesn't cause loss of motor function, impaired judgment, slurred speech, dehydration, and eventual unconsciousness, you don't want to know about it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll soon discover that the hardest thing for a parent is to lose a child, as not only are there many authority figures who will try extremely hard to return them, the little bastards are quite resourceful on their own.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The treasure map turns out to be quite handy indeed, since if someone had just told you the gold was in the Florida Keys, you never would have figured out how to get there from your house.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your claim that there is nothing like a good sandwich will be refuted this week when competing scientists produce a second good sandwich.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The scene of your murder will be perplexing for the investigating detectives, as each of your eleven parrots seems to have heard you and the killer say something different.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The stars tell that next week will be full of trials and tribulations at work. They also spell out a particularly lewd if not funny limerick, if you read Farsi.
