Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Friends and family members will soon gather to mark an important occasion in your life, though you won't really be around to enjoy it.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
