Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Friends and family members will soon gather to mark an important occasion in your life, though you won't really be around to enjoy it.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
