Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Friends and family members will soon gather to mark an important occasion in your life, though you won't really be around to enjoy it.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
