Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
Friends and family members will soon gather to mark an important occasion in your life, though you won't really be around to enjoy it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You never thought you had a sensitive side, but the fist-sized boils down the right half of your body will soon change your mind.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
No one will want to talk about the 800-pound elephant in the room. Still, whoever has been feeding him cheap take-out seriously needs to stop.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's true that God created you in His likeness. Unfortunately for you, God was feeling particularly shitty about Himself that day.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You've always been afraid of having children, but worry not: That thing inside your uterus will bear little resemblance to an actual infant.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The human body is made up of 70 percent water, which helps to explain the sound you'll make after hitting the pavement this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
By the time rescue workers reach you this week, not only will you have eaten all of your fellow passengers, but moved on to some of the food they had brought along as well.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll finally get the mounted deer head you've always wanted, though watching the poor creature try to pull itself free from your wall will take some getting used to.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A passing stranger will steal your heart this week, and after a few too many drinks have been consumed, your kidney as well.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are some things in life science can't explain, but sadly, why your wife left you and your children refuse to call isn't one of them.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate this is a good week to try new and exciting experiences. See what happens when you consume a second, larger meatball sandwich.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.