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At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

April 18, 2007 | Issue 43•16

Your Birthday Today

You'll finally get exactly the credit you deserve, sparking yet another of those interesting but meaningless conversations about why they give so many consecutive death penalties.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

In relatively good news, your life's usual boredom, self doubt, loneliness, inner pain, and frustration will be cut by almost three-sevenths this week.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You'll be unsettled this week when the Emirate of Dubai builds an exact 88-story aluminum-and-glass replica of your head, and deeply troubled when you realize it's paired with an exact 68-story steel-and-glass replica of the gun in your desk drawer.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

It will take six men to get the look off the camel's face following your birthday party, although no one's sure why since the camel wasn't at the party, doesn't have an unusual look on its face, and the six men aren't known to work with camels.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The other residents of Texas could forgive your "messing with" habit, but not combined with your total silence on the issue of which vehicles you'd prefer to push rather than driving other vehicles.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You've heard a lot of people say that having kids isn't easy, but as far as you can tell, the man's dingle just goes into the lady's hoo-hah.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Although they do indeed say "if something's too good to be true, it probably is," the reverse is not automatically the case. Stop telling people Remington Steele was a real guy.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll be forced to withdraw your workplace sexual harassment lawsuit against your employer, Carnivore Stables LLC, when your boss demonstrates the fully functional life-sized pony constructed from USDA Grade-A bologna that he was asking you to test-ride.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your week will be indistinguishable from last week in every detail but one, but that's just a minor color and texture change you probably won't even notice.

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