Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You'll finally get exactly the credit you deserve, sparking yet another of those interesting but meaningless conversations about why they give so many consecutive death penalties.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
In relatively good news, your life's usual boredom, self doubt, loneliness, inner pain, and frustration will be cut by almost three-sevenths this week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be unsettled this week when the Emirate of Dubai builds an exact 88-story aluminum-and-glass replica of your head, and deeply troubled when you realize it's paired with an exact 68-story steel-and-glass replica of the gun in your desk drawer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It will take six men to get the look off the camel's face following your birthday party, although no one's sure why since the camel wasn't at the party, doesn't have an unusual look on its face, and the six men aren't known to work with camels.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The other residents of Texas could forgive your "messing with" habit, but not combined with your total silence on the issue of which vehicles you'd prefer to push rather than driving other vehicles.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've heard a lot of people say that having kids isn't easy, but as far as you can tell, the man's dingle just goes into the lady's hoo-hah.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Although they do indeed say "if something's too good to be true, it probably is," the reverse is not automatically the case. Stop telling people Remington Steele was a real guy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll be forced to withdraw your workplace sexual harassment lawsuit against your employer, Carnivore Stables LLC, when your boss demonstrates the fully functional life-sized pony constructed from USDA Grade-A bologna that he was asking you to test-ride.
