Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.
Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.
Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.
Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.
Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.
Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

You'll finally get exactly the credit you deserve, sparking yet another of those interesting but meaningless conversations about why they give so many consecutive death penalties.






You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."





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