Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can't be said for your live-in nurse.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you've been writing about him.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sure, smoking won't make you look cool, but at least it'll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll put yourself through college by stripping, which wouldn't be so bad if you were doing it for the tuition money rather than the classroom grades.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, the duct tape, and the tupperware container will be mostly to blame.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.
