Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
You're not the type of person who needs constant validation to feel good about yourself, which is good news, considering the next 50 years or so.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.