Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You're not the type of person who needs constant validation to feel good about yourself, which is good news, considering the next 50 years or so.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.
