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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

November 3, 2009

Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.

October 27, 2009

Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.

October 20, 2009

Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.

October 13, 2009

Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

October 6, 2009

Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.

September 22, 2009

Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.

September 15, 2009

Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.

September 8, 2009

Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

September 1, 2009

Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.

See All Horoscopes

April 22, 2008 | Issue 44•17

Your Birthday Today

You're not the type of person who needs constant validation to feel good about yourself, which is good news, considering the next 50 years or so.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week's full moon will turn you into a crazed, ferocious and out-of-control monster, but that's only because it'll happen to coincide with your period.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Thanks to Pavlovian conditioning and a rather unexpected string of neighborhood accidents, you'll soon salivate every time an ice-cream truck runs over a puppy.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Now that the hard part is over, all you have to do is sit back, relax, and hope that San Diego Zoo officials don't notice the uncanny physical resemblance.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The rise of Jupiter in the eastern sky can only mean one thing—but you'll still insist on making the whole thing apply to your love life.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

The world's greatest poets will gather to write about your unique beauty this week, only to give up hours later, after failing to find a rhyme for "eczema."

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

The stars indicate that there's going to be this really sick party on Friday, with all sorts of booze and beer, and, oh yeah, Jessica is totally going to be there.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your money problems will only worsen this week when cashiers demand to know why there's a top-hatted magnate in the center of all your multi-colored bills.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

It's amazing the kind of things children will believe when presented with a phony death certificate bearing their mother's name.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

It's not so much the blood that will make you sick, or the broken bones, or even the spine tingling shrieks of pain. It's the fact that you decided to rent Bloodsport for a second time.

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