Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
You've always believed there are two kinds of people in this world: normal everyday people, and the ones in the blood-spattered yellow raincoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Once again you'll wind up with the kind of ambulance driver who thinks he can blow the flames out if he just drives fast enough.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Quit insisting that if you could walk that way you wouldn't need the cornstarch. You know you'd need the damn cornstarch anyway.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The good news is that the lumpy mass in your pancreas doesn't seem to be cancer. The bad news is that almost everything else inside you does.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars waited a long time just to be sure, but it looks as though you were in fact wrong about e-mail being the CB radio of the '90s.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Although you're relieved psychologists cured you of the delusion that you're a chicken, you're dreading returning home to find all those "eggs" you remember laying.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You were told that getting a puppy would help you meet girls, but they still don't seem to want to approach you, no matter how cute the little guy looks inside your translucent thorax.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
What you thought was a flippant remark will lead you directly to the 17 people you have to blow to get a drink around here.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You have no idea who the hell this Orwell guy was, but he sure screwed up when he didn't fill up that farm with hilarious monkeys.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If there's anything better than working 50 hours a week in an air-conditioner filter plant, you don't want to know what it is, because hey, that's all you're ever going to do and you'd hate to be dissatisfied.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
People tell you to follow your dreams, but lately they've been going to some really bad neighborhoods in the middle of the night and getting mixed up with some pretty unsavory characters.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A much-needed change of scenery is in store for you this week when wildfires sweep through your area, charring everything visible from your cell's tiny window.
