Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
After weeks spent trying to make meaningful human contact, you'll settle for rubbing up against random strangers on the subway this week.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
