Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
After weeks spent trying to make meaningful human contact, you'll settle for rubbing up against random strangers on the subway this week.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
