Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
After weeks spent trying to make meaningful human contact, you'll settle for rubbing up against random strangers on the subway this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The coming week will be influenced by forces outside your control, namely gravity, linear momentum, and high velocity friction.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Balancing work and family is never easy, but with looming deadlines and daily staff meetings—well, it's just—what the hell do you expect from us, Margaret?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will soon leave your body to science, though unfortunately for you, it's the type of science that studies the effects of being repeatedly set on fire.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars indicate that it's important to take risks in life. Also, the stars indicate that by reading this horoscope you automatically absolve them of any liability should serious injury or death occur as a result of those risks.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Like the beetle that lays its eggs atop a mound of dung, so too will you hand in months of hard work to your supervisor this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The strange men in lab coats, aggravated by your resistance, will turn the dial to 60 volts. They will then repeat their question for the last time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though a number of instructional tools already exist, physicists will recommend using your fat ass whenever the concept of inertia is taught in high school classrooms.
Past Horoscopes
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Aries Your life story will soon be adapted in a hit Broadway play, though a lot of the over-the-top singing and dancing will have to be cut out in order to fit the stage.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Taurus While it's true that taking drugs won't make your problems go away, nobody ever said anything about selling drugs.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Gemini Finding just the right words to express your feelings is often difficult, which is why you'll ultimately settle on a series of obscene hand gestures.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Cancer While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trap doors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Leo Your tendency to gamble will result in you losing your house, your car, and your family. Although it's infidelity and not betting that will be to blame.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Virgo Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Libra There comes a time in every man's life when he's forced to admit that he has failed. For you that time is known as "Tuesdays."
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Scorpio All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
March 4, 2008
Issue 44•09
Sagittarius They say you’re only as old as you feel, which helps explain why you passed away four years ago.