Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
There's more to life than money and material possessions. Keep reminding yourself of this for the next 20 miserable years.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
