Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
There's more to life than money and material possessions. Keep reminding yourself of this for the next 20 miserable years.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night's sky. But enough about your mom.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Lately it seems like you can't say anything without people getting hurt. Don't be alarmed: You're just a terrible hostage negotiator.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock "cruel" and "inhumane," but then that's what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up fucking your best friend.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it's not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.
