Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today. Take advantage of this by purchasing a second, larger bag of Popsicle sticks.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
