Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today. Take advantage of this by purchasing a second, larger bag of Popsicle sticks.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister will walk into a bar this week, order three stiff drinks, and break down crying in one of the most depressing jokes you've ever heard.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While your towering throne of skulls is still intimidating, the doughnut-shaped hemorrhoid cushion you've been forced to purchase does slightly lessen its overall effect.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's easy to lose one's sense of perspective in life, especially with no vanishing point, horizon line, or transversal plane to help gauge distance.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As someone who has never been very comfortable with the sight of blood, you should avoid next Thursday's baby shower at all costs.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Although willpower has never been your strong suit, you will realize this w—Hey, where are you going? Seriously now…come on…put that brownie down.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Despite several long-held beliefs and assumptions, you'll soon realize that it takes all kinds to mobilize a hate group.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: No man is an island. An area of land almost completely surrounded by open water but still connected to the mainland by an isthmus—maybe. But not an island.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While you've often heard the old adage about crying over spilt milk, your grandmother's tragic slip will shed a whole new light on the matter.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Just when you think you can't keep going any longer, you'll somehow find the strength to continue jogging for a fourth minute.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll discover Ponce de Leon's fabled Fountain of Youth this week. Sadly, it'll be another three years before you develop the linguistic and cognitive skills necessary to tell anyone of it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It will soon become obvious to you that in a medical emergency, such as shattering your femur while cleaning out the attic, every month counts.
