Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Getting old is never easy, but take heart, help will soon be on its way.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
