Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Getting old is never easy, but take heart, help will soon be on its way.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
