Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Getting old is never easy, but take heart, help will soon be on its way.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After years of being an emotionless drone, you'll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've always wondered what kind of father you'd be. Now with the children out of the way, you'll have plenty of time to figure it out.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you'll do this at the betting track.
