Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Personal growth, financial success, and romantic fulfillment await you in the coming year. As does wishful thinking.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this week it'll be mainly used to terrorize women.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll draw a line in the sand this week, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this week, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If only those jerks from high school could see you now. Too bad you're still completely invisible to most of them.
