At the AV Club: A soundproofed room of one’s own

Entertainment

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

August 25, 2009 | Issue 45•35

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you'll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, will take three rocket scientists.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

There's nothing a woman remembers more vividly than her wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

All of your Boy Scout training will come in handy this week when you're forced to fight off three grown men in a dark tent.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actually important shit for once.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

They say there's nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can't seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Just when things seem to be going your way, you'll be forced to get out of bed this week.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though mostly it's just to keep themselves entertained.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you little by little into what was once a woman.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Turns out that all those sandwiches weren't actually named after you, and that "Turkey With Swiss On Rye" is a rather unusual first name.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

By the end of the week you'll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »