At the AV Club: Ted Leo covers Tears For Fears

Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

August 26, 2008 | Issue 44•35

Your Birthday Today

Your life will lose all meaning this week when you're carelessly translated into Chinese Mandarin.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that's not what the other kids will call him.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

You'll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it's been years since you last recognized your wife.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner's high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You'll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Don't let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.

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