Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within oneself, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
