Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within oneself, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
