Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
You're about to make one woman very happy, and hundreds of thousands of other women extremely relieved.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems' reach, and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that you've really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God's sake. How did this even happen?
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out-of-control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Lately it seems as though you're running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddlewheel.
