Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
An oncoming city bus will soon bring your midlife crisis to an end.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
