Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.
