Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The stars agree—you're getting way too old for all of this shit.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
