Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Sex for you is nothing short of a religious experience, or at least praying for it is.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
