Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
An exciting new phase in your life is about to begin. Secrete abdominal fluids to soften the inside of your cocoon and fly out.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
