Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
An exciting new phase in your life is about to begin. Secrete abdominal fluids to soften the inside of your cocoon and fly out.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
