Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing twenty-three employees.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
