Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Love Horoscopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Post-coital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really starting to piss your partner off.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While you'd love nothing more than to tap it, please be mindful, as the nation's Strategic Ass Reserves are at an all-time low.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
They'll find the key to your heart this week, but not before trying the key to your car, the key to your front door, and the key to your single unit storage locker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Role-playing can help to spice things up in the bedroom. Pretend you and your husband are two people still physically attracted to one another.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've been struck by Cupid's magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun this week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
