Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
In short—expect unparalleled growth, changes are just around the corner, and it'll be completely inoperable.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A bouncing baby boy will enter your life this week, before shooting across the floor, ricocheting off the kitchen counter, and flying straight out the window again.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Having your teeth fall out in a dream usually signifies pent up anxiety and frustration. Having them fall out while you're still awake, however, signifies something much, much worse.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Everyone laughed when you said the CIA was running mind-control experiments, but they won't be laughing this week when you're admitted to a local insane asylum.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll struggle to remember how you ever got around before owning a car, which is to be expected after suffering a head-on collision like that.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Turns out it's actually two men inside a large horse costume, and that your daughter will be scarred for the rest of her life.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Who is the real prisoner? The man locked behind bars, or the man who is free, but unable to control his own destiny? You'll soon have 20 years without parole to figure it out.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren't so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be swept away by a love that knows no name this week, or so you'll think until coming across the medical term "dendrophilia."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You're always worried about where your next meal will come from. Sadly, this has less to do with your financial situation and more to do with you being a gluttonous fuck.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Artists from around the world would love nothing more than to paint your portrait, but that's mostly because your face presents a number of unique aesthetic challenges.
