Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
