Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
