Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
