Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
