mobile edition

At the AV Club: Stephin Merritt

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

February 19, 2008 | Issue 44•08

Your Birthday Today

The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »