Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
