Your Horoscope
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great happiness and joy in your future, but they really have to squint in order to make it out.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Accidents often lead to new and exciting discoveries. This week, get ready to discover how one moves around without the use of his legs.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Friction in the workplace continues this Thursday, making you wish someone would finally cut you loose from the belt sander.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The giant pain in your ass is in fact not your mother, though the stars don't blame you for confusing her with colon cancer.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Disappointment will be yours this week when you realize that the caged bird isn't so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll soon absorb much of the wisdom the world has to offer, thanks to hundreds of encyclopedic volumes and four rather unsteady bookcases.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've always believed your work ethic and determination were what set you apart from the pack, but, as it turns out, it's that everyone else is a wolf.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember: Two white stripes means it's a skunk. Twelve white stripes means it's called for help.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Most relationships fail due to a lack of communication, which is surprising, as that's the only thing keeping yours together.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.