Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
It's not important that you failed, or that they laughed at you, or even that you cried when they laughed at you. What's really important—what actually, truly matters—is how much louder and harder the laughter was when you cried.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.
