Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
It's not important that you failed, or that they laughed at you, or even that you cried when they laughed at you. What's really important—what actually, truly matters—is how much louder and harder the laughter was when you cried.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.
