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Horoscopes

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Past Horoscopes

February 9, 2010

Aries Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

February 2, 2010

Taurus Not that it's really the Zodiac's business, but most people take the dead goldfish out of the tank before adding new ones. The same goes for the drowned cats.

January 26, 2010

Gemini All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.

January 19, 2010

Cancer Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.

January 12, 2010

Leo In many ways, you're still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.

December 8, 2009

Virgo You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.

December 1, 2009

Libra The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue enjoying the old one.

November 24, 2009

Scorpio You always thought the woman of your dreams was a knockout blonde, but tonight there's three prescription Ambiens that say otherwise.

November 17, 2009

Sagittarius You've never worked a day in your life, though that's mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.

See All Horoscopes

February 20, 2007 | Issue 43•08

Your Birthday Today

It's not important that you failed, or that they laughed at you, or even that you cried when they laughed at you. What's really important—what actually, truly matters—is how much louder and harder the laughter was when you cried.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.

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