Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
