Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
