Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
