Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.
