At the AV Club: Glengarry Glen Ross

Horoscopes

Article Tools

Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

February 26, 2008 | Issue 44•09

Your Birthday Today

Prepare yourself for a year of incredible achievement and success. Do this by ignoring the first 11 months, three weeks, and four days.

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

They say having a child changes everything, but you and your drinking problem are about to prove them wrong.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

The answer to life's greatest mystery will be revealed this week, making you wish someone had told you what the question was.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

It's not putting women on a pedestal that's the problem, it's the fact that you keep them chained there, for your pleasure, and against their will.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

A fork in the road will present you with two possible paths in life, though to be fair, only one will be accessible by wheelchair.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

You said you wouldn't let the money change you, that you'd always remain the same, but look at you now, Mr. $17.50.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Embarrassment will be yours this week when all of your most awkward and shameful moments are released straight to DVD.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Sure, the whole thing was a huge mistake, but how were you supposed to know about the dangers of visiting Constant Shark Attack Beach?

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You've often wondered what it'd be like to stare straight into the eye of a hurricane. Still, never did you imagine the sexual tension would be so great.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Paramedics will rush you to the hospital this Thursday, though it's mostly to make the other emergency room patients feel better about themselves.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Advances in science will soon allow human beings to travel to the farthest reaches of outer space, leaving you with absolutely no hope of tracking down your ex-girlfriend.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

The vast tomes of history will soon bear your name, which would be flattering, if it didn't come up every time the black plague was mentioned.

Meet Other Onion Readers

more personals »