Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
While you've always found the proverb to be insightful, you'll soon come to realize the more practical applications of not throwing stones in glass houses.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
