Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
While you've always found the proverb to be insightful, you'll soon come to realize the more practical applications of not throwing stones in glass houses.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
