Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
