Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
