Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
Bloodied, alone and in shock, you'll finally realize it's not a Gorilla Gram.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from the C-Town, and man, that shit smells good.
