Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
A surprise party looms in your future. Although, technically speaking, the "surprise" has more to do with how few people will show up.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
