Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
