Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
