Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Don't spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?" Dress the dog in full military regalia before it's too late.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The human body is a work of art, which explains why those security guards won't let you touch it.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Being bright, handsome, and exceptionally talented isn't all that it's cracked up to be. So at least you've got that going for you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your work with disadvantaged and at-risk youth continues this Thursday when you're forced to hand them your wallet.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they'll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Follow your dreams this week. When delivering a presentation at work, turn into a giant eggplant and fly away.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You can put it off today, and you might even be able to brush it aside tomorrow, but pretty soon you're going to have to figure out why your arm is on fire.
