Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
