Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
