Past Horoscopes
June 26, 2009
Aries Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
June 16, 2009
Taurus The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
June 9, 2009
Gemini You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don't be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
June 2, 2009
Cancer Cancer represents the descent of the self into the collective ocean of spirit and thought. Also, Cancer represents whatever other bullshit you're willing to believe this week.
May 26, 2009
Leo Remember: No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.
May 19, 2009
Virgo Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
May 12, 2009
Libra Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
May 5, 2009
Scorpio You'll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa's cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
May 1, 2009
Sagittarius Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
Your Birthday Today
The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
